2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
