sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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