They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
