masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
