sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
