Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
