Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
