It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
