I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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