Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
