I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
