I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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