He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
