my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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