Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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