I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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