I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
