I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
