Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
