there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize