Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
