I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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