my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize