Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
