Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Randomize
