I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
