Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
