I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
