Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
