Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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