I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize