now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
