I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
