We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
