We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
