The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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