Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Randomize
