It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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