I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize