i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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