since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
