I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
