Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
