So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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