Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
