Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
