dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This is the high leading the old right now
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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