I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
