If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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