I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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