you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
They took my balls.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
