yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
