So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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