sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
