oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
