we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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