Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
