he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
