I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
