I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
