I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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